Bolton Ferret Welfare

Behind The Wire #01

Fred

Wotcha. Fred Ferret 'ere. Just got back from me 'olidays in Cap Ferret. And I says to the old jill indoors, it's time them 'umans wot fink they know it all got a bit o' wisdom from me abaht a few fings' So I got meself this 'ere column to write.

Nah then, David Beckham. Oo does he fink he's kiddin' wiv that hair style? You've got every football-mad teenager in the land goin' rahnd wiv a nice bit of fur in the middle of his 'ed. They think they're copyin' Becks, but let me tell you, mates, that style was started by me ol' dad Sandy, back in 1989. I'm the spittin' image of me old hob, so I'm finkin' of hirin' meself out to baldies. They can wear me on their 'eds dahn the disco. Could be a nice little earner!

Well, you've gotta keep yer paw on the pulse these days. The other day I was browsin' arahnd on the old inter-pursenet - as I wittily call it - an' I couldn't believe me two red eyes. Blimey, 'ave you seen all them fancy ferret web-sites? Millions of 'em. And all the gear you can buy! Straight up, there's people out there in America sellin' ferret clothes - raincoats, woolly jumpers, biker leathers, bomber jackets, even dinner jackets and bow ties. Wha'ever will they come up wiv next, eh?

I'm not a fashion slave, meself. More of a pint of bitter and a bag of ferret food dahn the pub wiv the lads, that's me. I like nuffink better than a good ol' chin wag abaht wot's wrong wiv the world today.

I mean, take these modern politicians. Look at that John Prescott. Now there's a man after me own 'eart. See 'im punch that geezer in the general election? That's the sort of politician we ferrets can understand. But you've gotta go further, my son. You gotta bite 'em as well.

See yer next issue, mates.

Fred

(From Ferrets First - August/September 2001 - #01)

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