Bolton Ferret Welfare

One-to-One -- When Ivy Met Maisy

Media star IVY FERRET (pronounced 'Furr-ray') is at the pinnacle of success. Her typical week includes lunch at the House of Commons, a photoshoot with David Beckham and numerous press and radio interviews. MAISY MOUSE FERRET (pronounced 'Ferret') is the new Ferrets First columnist but she has her eye on great things. Are they soul sisters or will it be handbags at dawn? Ivy's PA handed her a copy of the latest Maisy and Daisy column see before she interviewed Maisy.

Maisy: Ivy, this is such a huge honour! Quite incredible! I really just cannot believe I am speaking to you like this!
Ivy: Try.
Maisy: To think that just a few weeks ago, I was a complete unknown and look at me now!
Ivy: I am. You're wearing mauve.
Maisy: I prefer to think of it as grape. All our top fashion designers are allowed a tinsy bit of lee-way colourwise, don't you agree?
Ivy's PA: Have you everything you need, Miss Ferret? What about a drink? Spritzer, cranberry juice?
Ivy: Grape juice for two.
Ivy's PA: What colour? Miss Mouse?
Maisy: Grape-coloured, of course. What a flamin' daft question!
Ivy: To resume. You were, I believe, found...
Maisy: I really prefer 'discovered'.
Ivy: a railway station in Nottingham.
Maisy: Quite so. I was on my way.
Ivy: I'm sorry?
Maisy: To greater things. By train.
Ivy: I thought you were taken by van to the RSPCA shelter.
Maisy: I missed my connection. Such a mishap.
Ivy: You became one of the Ferrets First family of rescue ferrets and then...
Maisy: My talent became obvious.
Ivy: ...Fred became ill.
Maisy: Quite so. A most fortunate, I mean, unfortunate, occurance. I seized my chance.
Ivy: I'm sure you did. And Daisy?
Maisy: Who?
Ivy: It's the Maisy & Daisy column isn't it?
Maisy: Not really
Ivy: Why? Isn't Daisy real?
Maisy: No so as you'd notice.
Ivy: It says in your publicity pack: 'Charming and hilarious chat from real ferrets with real attitude'.
Maisy: Yes, well...between you and me, Ivy, Daisy is the tinsiest bit common. She wouldn't have been happy in this posh restaurant. Not like me. I myself personally was perusing a Gucky catalogue just before out chat. I might order a collar like yours. Do they have one in grape?
Ivy: My Gucci collar wasn't sold by catalogue. None are. Another point in Daisy's disfavour seems to be that she's albino - like me. What makes you think albinos are the human equivalent of Essex girls?
Maisy: I didn't... I never... I haven't...
Ivy: I'm sorry?
Maisy: It's all scripted. The column. We just read it out.
Ivy: It says here: 'Spontaneous off-the-cuff humour'.
Maisy: Oh cripes!
Ivy: Let's move on, shall we? Fred is on the mend and may return to work in the New Year. What are your plans for the future?
Maisy: Well, the column is just a start really. This is only a very small magazine and I'm sure I'll get bigger offers. Anyway, Fred is still very wobbly.
Ivy: And albino, of course.
Maisy: I could do with a scotch.
Ivy: There's a pub round the corner if you'd prefer it. They do a decentish lasagne and we can have a whisky first.
Maisy: I think maybe I would feel a tad more at home.
Ivy: Come on then. And on the way we can discuss your image. Have you ever thought that grape might not be your colour...?

(From Ferrets First Issue no. 9 December/January 2002/3)

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