MAISY: It's time I booked my holiday. All the celebs jet off at this time of year. I picked up a selection of brochures from that exclusive new travel agent, Fur Will Fly. I quite fancy the South of France. Sitting on a sunny balcony eating cross ants.
MAISY: Bless you, duck. Or I might choose the Highlands. My particular friend Ivy Ferret says the door is always open.
DAISY: Would that be because she might want to leave in a hurry?
MAISY: It wouldn't suit you, of course, dear. It's a very fashionable society. Flies fishing and deers talking. You're far more Blackpool than Ullapool. Talking of which, had the coach company still got a seat for your annual seaside jaunt?
DAISY: Yes. It's all booked. Goldi and Felicity are coming.
MAISY: What! That Goldi's common as muck. If her standards were any lower, she'd trip over them. And Felicity's got all the charisma of a knitting pattern. I wouldn't be seen dead on holiday with either of them. I suppose all the entertainment's booked? What cringe-making trash is on the agenda this season?
DAISY: We're staying at the Resplendent. The package includes a beach barbecue, free pass for the funfair and tickets for the Hob-Nobs Strip Show.
MAISY: How vulgar! I myself personally would pay not to go. I might try Italy. A cultural tour of the museums and galleries. Ah! The delights of Venice in the springtime!
MAISY: That as well. Oh, for a glimpse of the Eyefull Tower!
DAISY: Won't you be lonely all by yourself?
MAISY: Ahhh...I want to be alone....
DAISY: OK. Because there's a spare seat on the coach. I checked.
MAISY: ....to escape the pressures of stardom. Far from the madding crowd. Is it a window seat?
DAISY: If you sit next to me, you can choose. And you enjoyed seeing the Hob-Nobs last year. If you remember, you were the first person in the audience to volunteer to....
MAISY: ...Yes, well, duck, a British seaside resort's not quite what I had in mind but I suppose I can wear my new frilled bathing suit in chamois tan and soft begonia.
DAISY: Blackpool will never have been so blessed.
MAISY: ...and my chino capris in light porcelain and my rope-soled boat shoes in true navy.
DAISY: The population will be quite unprepared.
MAISY: After all, even a star can let her hair down at the seaside and it's very 'in' for celebs not to disown their common friends.
DAISY: Rock on!
(From Ferrets First - April/May 2003 - #11)