Bolton Ferret Welfare

maisy and daisy

MAISY: Make a start in the lounge, duck. I'll do the stairs. Which way up does this go?

DAISY: It's a sweeping brush.

MAISY: And....?

DAISY: You brush with this end. I'm beginning to think it was a big mistake to sack Mrs Weasel.

MAISY: Who needs a cleaner that won't get out of bed for less than 43p and hour? And she's so common. The whole family is. Rough as bear's...

DAISY: ...Yes, quite. Actually, I rather liked her.

MAISY: Well, there you go. You would, duck. Birds of a feather and all that. And Mrs W wasn't exactly speed made manifest. I myself personally think we're better off spring cleaning ourselves. Lob that mop over, I'm getting into my stride now.

DAISY: Why exactly did Mrs Weasel go?

MAISY: We had words, duck. Her percuniary expectations were on the ambitious side. She wasn't weasily pleased. That's a joke by the way.

DAISY: You mean she asked for her wages?

MAISY: Something like that. Then I found a rude poem propped up on my dressing table and Mrs W had legged it with a dozen eggs, a fillet steak and three bottles of claret. She said they were 'in loo' but they weren't, I looked.

DAISY: She probably meant 'in lieu'.

MAISY: No, she didn't. I just told you. They weren't in 'the smallest room'.

DAISY: It's hardly that in this place. You could be searching for days. You and your marble bath mats. I stubbed my paw cruelly the other morning.

MAISY: They're all the rage, duck. Well cool.

DAISY: Very. And lethally slippery. Anyway, where's this rude poem? Is this it?

There woz a fat ferret called Maisy
Who woz tite and terrably lazy
She wooden coff up
Witch woz very bad luck
For her posh new Verseartshe jersey

MAISY: Terrible spelling and it doesn't scan.

DAISY: It makes up for that with a certain vigour of style, perhaps? What's Mrs W done to your new woolly?

MAISY: Wadderyermean, duck? She wouldn't dare touch my cashmere Versace turtleneck. I'm wearing it tonight for a little do at Claridges.

DAISY: You'd best check.

MAISY: Urrrrkkkkk! Grrrrrrrrr!!!!

DAISY: Bleach, I think. Never mind, duck, as you celebrities say: 'It'll be all white on the night'.

(From Ferrets First - February/March 2004 - #16)

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